Sunday, March 22, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Suicide Hotline
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Afghanistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Got a call center in Afghanistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my slate floor in the main entrance of the house!
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your floor, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my slate floor in the main entrance of the house!
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your floor, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'
Funny Sayings!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.
So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute, honey!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
If, a two letter word for futility
I don’t care, I don’t have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots … I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.
So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute, honey!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
If, a two letter word for futility
I don’t care, I don’t have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots … I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
