Sunday, March 22, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Suicide Hotline
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Afghanistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Got a call center in Afghanistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my slate floor in the main entrance of the house!
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your floor, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my slate floor in the main entrance of the house!
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your floor, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'
Funny Sayings!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.
So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute, honey!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
If, a two letter word for futility
I don’t care, I don’t have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots … I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.
So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute, honey!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
If, a two letter word for futility
I don’t care, I don’t have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots … I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
Mixed Jokes
The New Maid
A guy dials his home number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh..... Is this 832-4821?
Lie Detector Test
"If you're going to work here young man, " said the boss, "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm."
"Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?"
"Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man.
"And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat in our office." said the boss.
Hair Cut Mystery
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
A guy dials his home number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh..... Is this 832-4821?
Lie Detector Test
"If you're going to work here young man, " said the boss, "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm."
"Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?"
"Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man.
"And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat in our office." said the boss.
Hair Cut Mystery
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
A Little Kiss
Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
----------------------------
The older lady was thinking,
----------------------------
"Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
--------------------------------------------------------
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled,
--------------------------------------------------------
asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
------------------------------------------
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face,
------------------------------------------
was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
------------------------------------------
And the private, grinning from ear to ear,
------------------------------------------
was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
----------------------------
The older lady was thinking,
----------------------------
"Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
--------------------------------------------------------
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled,
--------------------------------------------------------
asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
------------------------------------------
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face,
------------------------------------------
was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
------------------------------------------
And the private, grinning from ear to ear,
------------------------------------------
was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
Quotes from Court!!!
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters-who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
***
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
***
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
***
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
***
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
***
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
***
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
***
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
***
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
***
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
***
Q: To a lady,So the date of conception (her baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
***
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
***
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
***
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
***
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
***
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
***
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
***
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
***
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
***
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
***
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
***
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
***
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
***
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
***
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
***
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
***
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
***
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
***
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
***
Q: To a lady,So the date of conception (her baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
***
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
***
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
***
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
***
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
***
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
***
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
***
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
***
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
***
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Politics Explained
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family , so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the
Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
S o the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t.
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family , so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the
Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you
the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
S o the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t.
bob works hard
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.'
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
' How did she know that you drink Budweiser ? '
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
__________________
but wait there's more
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.'
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
' How did she know that you drink Budweiser ? '
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
__________________
but wait there's more
Deep thoughts by men while fishing
Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, 'I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, 'I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'
Life Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years?That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years?That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service
Women shouldn't force men to go shopping
This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.
DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips toK-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping
boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she
loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from
her local K-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on lay-b y.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.
8 September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least ...
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
Regards,
K-Mart.
will.
DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips toK-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping
boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she
loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from
her local K-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on lay-b y.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.
8 September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE
VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least ...
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
Regards,
K-Mart.
Monkey Business
Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10 each.
The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He then announced that he would buy monkeys at £20 each. This renewed the villagers’ efforts and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.
The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at £35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for £50."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for £700 billion.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!
Now you have a better understanding of how the BANK BAILOUT PLAN works!!!
The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He then announced that he would buy monkeys at £20 each. This renewed the villagers’ efforts and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.
The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at £35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for £50."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for £700 billion.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!
Now you have a better understanding of how the BANK BAILOUT PLAN works!!!
Grandma's boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your
Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are.
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your
Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
9 words women use -- decoded
9 WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. ( I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*** YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. ( I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*** YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3
Friday, March 6, 2009
life of an software professional
One more mountain to capture, one more road to walk, one more area to
prepare, one more new technology to learn…..I think that’s what we call, a life of software professional.
Hmmm…..
prepare, one more new technology to learn…..I think that’s what we call, a life of software professional.
Hmmm…..
Some Jokes For Fun... Anyone!
A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.
When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."
The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago."
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine.
"No problem...just like Chicago in June," the man says.
So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing.
The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.
"No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says.
So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.
He says, "no problem. Just like Chicago in August."
Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.
When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on.
To which the Chicago man replies.....
"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"
"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A Blonde was down on her luck.
In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying,
"I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde".
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct
her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics,
and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.
"I'm doing great! I love it!
The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to
worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a
mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said,
"I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was
starting to get cold.
I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave.
Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"
And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it!?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get myself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
!!"Supplies"!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check.
Doctor says 'I’ve got good news and bad news, which do you want first?'
'Guy says good news first.'
'OK, You got 24 hours to live'
'Dang, what’s the bad news!'
'I should' told you yesterday!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
AND THE BEST ONE:-
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his
mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a
troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his
birthday.
Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you
have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you
deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a
letter.
Letter 1
-------
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
-------
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would
like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and
started again.
Letter 3
-------
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my
birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a
fourth letter.
Letter 4
-------
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him
a bike.
Now,
Bobby was very upset.
He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.
Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went
into the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up
a statue of the Mary.
He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into the house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Bobby began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
-------
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
BIKE!!!!!!!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE END
Thanks for Reading
When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."
The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago."
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine.
"No problem...just like Chicago in June," the man says.
So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing.
The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.
"No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says.
So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.
He says, "no problem. Just like Chicago in August."
Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.
When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on.
To which the Chicago man replies.....
"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"
"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.
Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!
Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.
Doctor: Then what happened?
Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!
Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.
Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A Blonde was down on her luck.
In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying,
"I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde".
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.
As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct
her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics,
and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.
"I'm doing great! I love it!
The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to
worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a
mile away.
He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said,
"I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was
starting to get cold.
I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave.
Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"
And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it!?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get myself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
!!"Supplies"!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check.
Doctor says 'I’ve got good news and bad news, which do you want first?'
'Guy says good news first.'
'OK, You got 24 hours to live'
'Dang, what’s the bad news!'
'I should' told you yesterday!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
AND THE BEST ONE:-
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his
mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a
troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his
birthday.
Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you
have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you
deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a
letter.
Letter 1
-------
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
-------
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would
like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and
started again.
Letter 3
-------
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my
birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a
fourth letter.
Letter 4
-------
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him
a bike.
Now,
Bobby was very upset.
He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.
Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went
into the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up
a statue of the Mary.
He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into the house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Bobby began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
-------
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
BIKE!!!!!!!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE END
Thanks for Reading
If I had My Life to Live over
If I had my life to live over,
I would dare to make more mistakes next time.
I would relax, limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously and take more chances.
I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets.
I would, perhaps, have more actual troubles but I would have fewer imaginary ones.
You see, I am one of those people who live sanely, sensibly, prudently; hour after hour, day after day.
Oh, I have had my moments!
And if I had to do it over again, I would have more of them
Maybe I would have nothing else?
Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day.
I have been one of those people who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute.
If I had it to do it over, I would travel lighter on the next trip.
I would start going barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.
I wouldn't make such good grades, except by accident.
I would have more sweethearts.
I would go to more dances.
I would sing more songs and play more games.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I'd pick more daisies.
If I had my life to live over.
---
I would dare to make more mistakes next time.
I would relax, limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously and take more chances.
I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets.
I would, perhaps, have more actual troubles but I would have fewer imaginary ones.
You see, I am one of those people who live sanely, sensibly, prudently; hour after hour, day after day.
Oh, I have had my moments!
And if I had to do it over again, I would have more of them
Maybe I would have nothing else?
Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day.
I have been one of those people who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute.
If I had it to do it over, I would travel lighter on the next trip.
I would start going barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.
I wouldn't make such good grades, except by accident.
I would have more sweethearts.
I would go to more dances.
I would sing more songs and play more games.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I'd pick more daisies.
If I had my life to live over.
---
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
Little Johnny got an "F" in Arithmetic
Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.
"Why?" asks his father.
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".
"But that's right," said his father.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the ****ing difference?" asks his father.
"That's what I said!"
"Why?" asks his father.
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".
"But that's right," said his father.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the ****ing difference?" asks his father.
"That's what I said!"
FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I''m calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor''s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it''s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
"I''m calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor''s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it''s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
After being married for 44 years.......
AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, '44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".
NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $95,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE
NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $95,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE
Answering machine messages
Apparently these are actual answering machine messages recorded and verified by the world famous international institute of answering machine answers:
1) My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished washing dishes.
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2) A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
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3) Hi, this is John: if you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
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4) Hi. Now you say something.
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5) Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
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6) Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
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7) Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.
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8 ) Hi, John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.... Please speak very slowly while I write down the message and I'll stick it to myself with one of these magnets.
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9) Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need sliding windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
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10) This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
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11) Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message and if I don't call back, it's you.
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12) Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
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13) If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
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14) Hello, you've reached Tom and Susan. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Susan likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slow. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
1) My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished washing dishes.
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2) A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
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3) Hi, this is John: if you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
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4) Hi. Now you say something.
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5) Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
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6) Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
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7) Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner.
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8 ) Hi, John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.... Please speak very slowly while I write down the message and I'll stick it to myself with one of these magnets.
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9) Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need sliding windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
10) This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
11) Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message and if I don't call back, it's you.
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12) Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
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13) If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.
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14) Hello, you've reached Tom and Susan. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Susan likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slow. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Smart ass questions and answers
WOMAN : You remind me of the sea.
MAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
WOMAN : NO, because you make me sick.
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
Student: " Because George still had the axe in his hand."
MAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
WOMAN : NO, because you make me sick.
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
Student: " Because George still had the axe in his hand."
Monday, March 2, 2009
Gulal Hindi Mp3 songs
http://rapidshare.com/files/204314908/Gulaal.2009.320KBPS.Hindi.CDRIPS.MP3.HQ.VBR.rar
Enjoy
Enjoy
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